For the remainder of this year's summer wedding season, you will be
forced to deal with several of your high school and college friends
deciding that:
A) Marriage before 30 is a good idea.
B) You
should stand in front of hundreds of people, in a dress and heels,
without a flask in your bra, and pretend that you aren't going to eat
ramen noodles all next winter because you are so broke after all of
this.
So which member of the Bridesmaid Dream Team are you? Let's find out.
You
are the bridesmaid that knows how to PARTY!! You aren't really friends
with any of the other bridesmaids. You are more than comfortable giving a
speech after crushing that open bar, and your story about the bride's
slutty phase that seemed to peter out about three to four months after
she met the groom will not go over well with her father -- who just
dropped 25K on the wine you are chugging. BUT, you never said you wanted
to be the bridesmaid that everyone likes. No, you are the bridesmaid
that isn't afraid to get a little aggressive with that aunt in from
Angola when it's time to catch the bouquet.
Your motto: Your eye ran into my elbow.
While
you may end up broke after all said and done, you want to be remembered
as the ultimate support player. When the bride goes for that pastel
pink bridesmaid dress, you say yes! When the bride gets so drunk at the
bachelorette party that she calls her ex-boyfriend, you take the phone
from her and tell him he has a small penis. You may not get the respect
you deserve for wearing that airbrushed tee that says Bridesmaid #8 or
holding up the bride's dress as she pees, but you don't worry about
that... because seriously, you made everyone else look really, really
good.
You
are the bridesmaid pick that everyone was a little bit surprised by,
and it's certain that you will fade into oblivion after the wedding. You
are totally cool with riding the bench with little to no
responsibilities. You will show up to all the major events, clap, smile,
and put on a pretty face. But make no mistake: you are really there for
the free booze. Years later, the bride will look back on her wedding
photos and kind of recognize you, and say, "She was really fun in
college."
You are the bridesmaid that LOVES wearing
a flattop
an updo. In a couple of years, people will wonder why anyone would
have that hair style, but you will stand strong in your choice. And then
20 years later, when it comes back into style, you will no longer be
shamed by those wedding photos. You are also the bridesmaid who takes
her heels off as soon as she gets to the reception. Blame it on your
knees or how tall you are, doesn't matter -- you're not about to be
uncomfortable.
AKA
"The Workhorse." You understand the job, and you work tirelessly to
achieve success. Your speech is precise-but-meaningful. You make all the
right moves to set the bride up to look good. You have complete control
and know exactly where everyone is on and off the court, except for the
Charles Barkley bridesmaid, because for some reason she slipped out of
the hotel room and is wandering the streets of Barcelona after drinking
the entire open bar. You may get overlooked and never
win a championship get married be a maid of honor, but you will go down in history as one of the best to wear a matching dress.
You
are the bridesmaid that ALWAYS delivers. You are consistent. Yes, you
are The Mailwoman. The bride wants to take one more tequila shot at the
bachelorette party? Yes, and! The bride wants to take that "super funny"
picture that looks like the poster of
Bridesmaids? Yes, you will play the part of Melissa McCarthy.
You
are the seasoned bridesmaid. Yup, you've been friends with the bride
the longest, and this isn't your first rodeo. You might think this
wedding is a huge mistake, but you know that you are to smile, make a
speech that is both funny and sentimental, and keep all the other
bridesmaids in check. You aren't going to make the amateur move of
finding the only single groomsman and making out with him on your best
friend from high school's car.*
*
Hypothetical situation author has never experienced
The
Maid of Honor. You are in an interesting situation, my friend, because
the success of the shabby chic bridal shower, the bride's overall mood
on her actual wedding day and whether she looks good in the pictures are
all on YOU. You lose, and you are the idiot who
eff'd up the easiest gig ever. You win, and... well, that's what you're
supposed to do. However, you are strategic in your path to greatness.
You ensure that the bachelorette party is in some college town that has
girls way hotter than the wedding party is, just so everyone realizes
hey, we aren't invincible.
That
busted-ass bridesmaid's dress looks amazing on you. In fact, after the
wedding they will retire it and hang it in the reception hall. Your
dance moves don't mimic those of an awkward white girl at her middle
school dance. Your mere presence scores you a VIP booth at the
bachelorette party. And while you may be the reason that Isaiah Thomas
(the bride's cousin) isn't in the wedding party, no one seems to care...
because you are a GOD and the best thing to happen to the entire
wedding sport. You are so amazing at being a bridesmaid that you will
actually become the bride -- six times!
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